-  you know those little emails or bulletins that pop on myspace all the time from friends that tell you characteristics about people based on your birthday month, astrological sign, color hair, or underwear size?  why is it that none of them ever say anything bad about the people in any of the categories?  people born in january are sexy, smart, confident, and great in bed.  the thing about those things is that nobody ever reads any description other than the one that pertains to them.  read past your section.  you will realize that everybody is sexy, smart, confident, and great in bed.  so, how do you account for all those ugly, stupid, self concious, people that are a horrible lay out there?  where do they fit in to your little profiling?  once i would love to get one of those that says that everybody born in march is an asshole.  or that all tauruses suck in bed.  there is nothing wrong with mixing a little reality into your pointless blurbs people.

-  as i sat there today in the drive thru (legistlation still pending to get that changed to drive through) at mickey d’s, i wondered if i still had it.  that golden (arch) touch.  back in my days at the rock, i was a mcdonald’s mad man behind the counter.  i could do it all.  the only thing i didn’t do was the drive through (maybe people will catch on).  i told the manager that i was partially deaf in my one ear and that if i had the headset on either the customers ordering or my coworkers trying to communicate with me were going to suffer with my inability to hear what was going on.  i really just didn’t like to wear that piece of shit.  it was too fast food for me.

i remember the fast food fights that hamilton and i would have in the kitchen, not caring that we were going to have to be the ones to have to wipe the big mac sauce off of the tile walls later that night.  the big mac sauce was distributed in what was essentially a caulking gun and it shot the farthest of the three caulk gun style condiments.  tartar sauce was pretty good too, but the mayo sucked.  and you haven’t lived until you peg a manager in the back of the head with a chicken mcnugget from twenty feet.

it was making your own damn sandwich (ah, the double quarter pounder on a big mac bun with bacon) and knowing it was fresh.  it was laughing at the townies.  it was hooking up the cutie chicks since there was no other fast food in the town within walking distance of campus.  it was free garbage bags of ice for keg parties.  it was walking back through the dorm like a god at 1am because you made a ton of food (against company policy) before closing to take home with you.  it was fun.  if they paid me 50k a year and it didn’t go against my “i will never wear another uniform to work” policy, i would think about going back.

-  i picked up my grinding guard from the dentist today.  going to have to take it for a spin tonight.  its pretty compact and comfortable, but everytime i look at it, i just think retainer or head gear.  disturbing.

-  at this point, you realize that i truly am a geek.

-  high powered beer night at dolce vita tonight!  i saw the beer list.  and i don’t give a rat’s patooty what it tastes like, i am going to drink a few golden monkeys tonight!

-  the oktoberfest website says that it is officially sold out.  glad i bought my ticket two months ago.  i just need to find it now…

piece out.

-  smell smoke?  that is my ass dragging.

-  traffic gripe of the day:  seriously people, if you come to busy intersection that is ruled by stop signs only, has multiple options as far as turning, AND is without lane lines to guide you to turn, PLEASE travel in a fashion that gravitates toward the direction you intend to travel beyond the intersection.  so if you are planning on turning left at said intersection, kindly ease your way toward the left side of the lane.  people travelling straight should take a similar path.  and for fuck’s sake, if you are not turning right, you should NOT be within a car’s width of that right curb.  this allows those turning right to avoid sitting in a line behind you sackless tool belts tht do no understand the rhythm with which an intersection is to progress.  next time, the grill of the sexterra might not look so distant in the rearview mirror of you oversized rollerskate, i mean, miata.

-  thanks go out to alexis and irma for hosting a kick ass italian wines class last night.  yall missed out.  BUT you can hit them up tomorrow night for high powered beer night!  they are going to offer tasting of high alcohol content beers from 6:30 - 8:30 for $15.  AND you get to keep a chimay glass!  tell ‘em theYerg sent ya. 

-  dear hollywood, please stop making movies with subtitles.  i would have stayed home and read the book of the movie you just ruined.  the point of a movie is to be able to see the people act it out.  if you have subtitles, you might as well hire schmoes off the street as actors because i don’t want to have to rely on my peripheral vision to try and match the action with the dialogue.  plus it hurts my eyes.

-  i am pretty sure i live my life by a code, i just don’t know how to decipher it.

-  you know what is sneaky?  the way chewing gum gives you the illusion of hydration.  just because your palette is wet, doesn’t mean you are hydrated.  i mean if you think about it, aren’t you just using more of your internal water to help compose the saliva to keep the gum fresh?  so that being the case, doesn’t chewing gum actually dehydrate you?  and yet your mouth is left moist.  very misleading.

-  i am listening to bob and tom on the way into work yesterday and they are discussing a story in which a lady went to the pharmacy with her four children in tow and asked her why her birth control wasn’t working.  when the pharmacist inquired as to what method she was using, the lady told her that she was drinking 8 mountain dews a day as she had been instructed.  WHAT?!  i SO wish this was made up.  with the caffeine high that she would have been riding from drinking that carbonated dog piss, exercise probably would have been the best way to burn off the energy.  sex is exercise.  hence the four kids.  the mountain dew birth control plan reads like a viscious cycle, and only because of that little glitch where a soda cannot keep you from getting pregnant.  minor detail.

the elephant in the room on this one would have to be “who in the hell is educating these people?”  i remember someone in elementary school saying that if you jumped up and down you wouldn’t get pregnant.  i think someone even added that jumping jacks were necessary.

you know, i think i have taken my intelligence for granted.  now, i am not claiming to be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but stories like this make me want to take the mensa test.  when you think about common sense, you don’t think about the people that you don’t have all that much in common with in the brains department, i guess.

-  tonight is the italian wine class at my house.  oh wait, i mean dolce vita.  damn, they should just put a cot in the back for me at this point.  it runs from 7-8:30 and sounds to be a good time.  limited seating, so if you want in, hit them at drink@dolcevitawines.com.  you can also shoot them an email to get on their list for upcoming events.  like thursdays high powered beer tasting night.  betty ford, here i come!

-  you know, it irritates me the way the vending machine guy puts the candy in the machine.  i understand the format of mixing it up and making it look pretty by spreading out the candy bars.  but dude, the only light in the machine runs down the entire right side.  not the left.  those few degrees extra cranked out by the light melts the chocolate on the candy bars on the right side of the machine.  or warms it to the point that it is intacted, but a gooey mess on the inside.  and i love me a snickers, but i have to go with the baby ruth (same ingredient save the caramel) instead because it resides on the left of the machine.  i mean come on.  think people!

-  i have to apologize to my nephew.  in talking with my buddy nails today, i realized that two years ago for xmas i could have gotten him a powder blue ladanian tomlinson jersey instead of that tommy maddox jersey.  the powder blue chargers jerseys are the epitome of cool in the world of sports jerseys.  my bad ethan.

-  wasn’t there a time when we were supposed to boycott styrofoam cups because of the CFC’s or something?  did cup companies change the ingredients?  or did we forget about the CFC’s and ozone layer?  you remember when mickey d’s came in styrofoam instead of wrappers?  yeah, i didn’t think so.

-  if shag carpets are so cool looking, why does that not apply to lawns?  i think longer grass would be the equivalent of the shag carpet.  i might plow under my grass and grow wheat just the get it higher.

piece out.

and then the damn battery on the camera died for some reason.  poop…

-  so lately we have been dealing with a company out of georgia on an order here at work.  the representative that they have on our account continues to floor me with his almost cartoon-like southernism.  i don’t know what else to call it.  but if you remember those cartoons as a kid where they had the backwoods, golly gosh, gee willikers, goofy-ass, “southern” people, he talks exactly like that.

don’t get me wrong, i have no problem with the southern folk that i have gotten to know and love since i moved down here.  there isn’t a whole lot of twang here in charlotte and the businesses that i have dealt with before never had such animated characters.  at least not on the front lines of their business.

it made me start to think about professionalism.  the face that people chose to represent their business.  i have to admit that i have had a lot of practice at this.  when i was just a youngin’ (kidding).  when i was younger, maw ran a promotions business out of the house, so telephone etiquette was an early lesson.  this was before caller ID.  so you didn’t know if it was for business or if it was a friend that you could answer with an alternate greeting, such as “what’s up cheesy teeth?!”  it was always, “good afternoon” and “how may i help you?”  i personally think that “hey there sizzle chest!” would have been just as professional, but i digress.

another place that i think professionalism lapses is in the whole “entertaining” realm.  you know, a company that you deal with gets you tickets to a game or something.  an event where drinking is involved.  call me crazy, but if i buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of toilet seats from you, i really don’t think me getting sloshed and horking in a parking lot in front of you is going to be good for business.  a few beers?  fine.  funnels and body shots?  not so much.  even though it is a social setting, i think heavy drinking in front of people you do business with makes you vulnerable later on in the board room.  just a thought.

-  what a great scene saturday night at dolce vita.  the one year anniversary party/irma’s twenty ten party was great.  the constant flux of the furnishings to accomodate events was ideal this time around.  very feng shui.  and it was a great crowd.  the first “band,” unfit mothers was right on point.  it was actually a guy with an acoustic and a drum machine for back up.  and he was good.  quite an eclectic playlist.  if you would have told me that someone was going to try and transition from closer by nine inch nails to no diggity by blackstreet, all on an acoustic, i would have laughed in your face.  but he pulled it off.

and then there was the loose lugnuts.  a three piece band in tasseled cowboy garb that rocked.  the music was good, the company was good, and the beer flowed steady.  made for a good night.  i will post pictures later tonight.

-  stupid self inflicted injury of the weekend:  saturday night before hitting dolce vita, rome, LP, and i took in some grub at lang van.  they served laura these flat, round, styrofoam-like rice cakes as a side.  the bet was laid down to see whether or not it could be fit in ones mouth whole.  i, having this gaping hole below my nose, was up to task.  it just lead to a streching of the lips and an abrasion in the corner of my mouth that is apparently sensitive to tomato products as i found out yesterday.  son of a…!

-  it looks like i might try to transition my disc goof talents to ball goof in the not too distant future.  i have always wanted to try it, but the up front cost of the sport with clubs and whatnot always detered me.  but a special thanks goes out to my big bro for yet another in a long line of hand me downs in our lives.  jas is going to send me his old set of clubs and i am going to take a whack at it.  thanks bro!

see you on the range C? 

-  NOT a good football pool week.  i tanked.  i am looking at 7-6 going into the MNF game.  that bites donkeys.  the stillers let me down.  ben is still rusty.  and i think i am looking at a 1-2 record for the fantasy football leagues for this week.  the win coming in what i thought was going to be an ass beating from thrill in the JAJI league.  we shall see.

-  i could really go for a bowl of mi-mi yerg’s vegetable soup right now.

piece out.

-  so i am talking to my mom on the phone last night.  just catching up as mothers and sons do.  and i asked her how work was going.  she said that she was “busier than a one arm paper hanger.”  now, i have commented on this saying before, but maw added some insight that triggered a reaction from me.  i have never understood the saying.  is a paper hanger a machine?  if so, how many arms are they supposed to have?  if it is a person, what kind of paper are they hanging?  and why can’t they find someone with two arms to help the guy out?  i mean, what kind of sick bastards just stand around and watch a one armed person, who is obviously busy, go through the rigors of trying to hang paper?  and is it really that he is busy or just having a difficult time with the hanging of the paper?  if that is the case, why wouldn’t people say, “i am having as much trouble as a one armed paper hanger?”

so maw throws me this tidbit.  its a WALLpaper hanger.  REALLY?!  now, i have nothing against people with disabilities.  i think they make wonderful contributions to society.  but what kind of job could you expect from a one armed wallpaper hanger?  there is going to be glue everywhere.  the seams probably won’t match up.  i just don’t see it happening.

i’ve got to tell you, if i were a one armed wallpaper hanger and really wanted to share my passion for all things in the wall decor world, i would seriously consider becoming a painter instead.  granted, you can’t get as much leverage, but you can still hold a roller with one arm.

but that person must have some serious passion for their work.  i mean, they must have lost the arm on the job in order to still want to hang wallpaper.  it was probably a prodigy type situation where they were the talk of the wallpaper town until “the accident.”  and then they pulled themselves up by their bootstraps to prove that they were still the best wallpaper hanger around.  it sounds like the cookie cutter tom cruise movies from old.  like top gun only with wallpaper.  just substitute goose dying for losing an arm.  that would be a good movie.  it would have to be better than war of the worlds was anyway…

-  hey, tomorrow night is the one year anniversary party for dolce vita.  and it only makes sense that they are having AT dolce vita.  they will be running $2 drink specials and the loose lugnuts and unfit mothers are playing.  i don’t have the slightest clue what they sound like, but alexis and irma don’t book crap.  i will be there, but without bells on since i don’t want the bells to compete with the music.

-  you know, i think i remember back when i was in high school, i took a class called typing and stenoscript.  in that class, we used actual typewriters.  no computers.  yes, i am that old.  i don’t think people under the age of thirty, for the most part, have ever used a typewriter.  but i remember @ being used as shorthand for the word “at” as well as the word “about.”  i remember thinking it was a goofy symbol and that it was funny to draw, but i never thought i would use it.  this was BEFORE everybody had an email address.  or five.  i think i am going to tell people from now one that they can reach me at “jared dot yerg about gmail dot com.”  just to mess with their heads.

-  didn’t you hate it when the monchichi’s thumb was too big for their mouth?  that didn’t make them all that cuddly in my mind.  who wants a monkey thing that can’t suck its thumb as a doll?  not this guy, i tell you.

-  you crazy kids enjoy your weekends.

piece out.

-  chicken butt!

-  so i came to a realization last night.  i was sitting there waiting for what seemed like a half hour in the drive thru (i want to start legislation to get this changed back to through as it surely must be affecting the spelling ability of the youth of america) at the KFC on the way to volleyball.  this wait not only tested my patience, but my stomach.  you see, the car in front of me had an overweight couple that took up the entire front seat of their late model chevy celebrity and they were playing grab ass with each other.  its bad enough that i am not dating anyone, but the have gross affection rubbed in my face like that…

back to my main point.  whenever i go to KFC i always ask for all legs.  sometimes they don’t provide me with what i asked for.  these are frustration times that we live in.  but i came to the realization that as a child i never learned the anatomy of a chicken well enough to be able to navigate anything but the chicken leg for meat.  if you gave me a chicken breast still on the bone, i would probably choke on a rib or something.  and of course this makes me paranoid because you were never to give dogs chicken bones since they can splinter and cut their insides.  so i think i am going to catch a loose bone and bleed out internally.  so yes, only legs for me.

-  i had a headhunter call me the other day since my resume is still lingering on monster.com.  i like my current job, but i still have delusions of some company on monster calling me and telling me that they want to hire me to do nothing for 100k a year.  it could happen.

so this lady calls me and says that she has my resume for a position they are looking to fill.  a “bilingual procurement specialist.”  i tell her  that is great, but i am not bilingual.  “you aren’t fluent in japanese?”  yeah, not so much.  i can speak a little gringo spanish, but that is about it.  “well how did you get into this pile?”  i am not sure, i didn’t make your piles.  but if you get a position for someone that is monolingual (preferably  english) i might be interested.

-  a stupid forward email saved me.  i received that forward a couple of weeks ago about the many uses of WD-40.  about how you can spray it on your mirrors and they won’t fog up and it works on achy joints and silly shit like that.  but the one that caught my eye?  spray it on fireant bites and the sting and itch will go away.  would you know it, those little fuckers ambushed me in the dark after volleyball the other night.  up my pants, all over my flip flops.  i hate those little bastards.  they are so quick.  i only stepped in the grass for a split second and they got me.  so after i smashed all the little fuckers on the hardwood floor, i figured what the hell?  so i gave the WD-40 a try.  it works.  i think i am going to keep a little can of it in the sexterra from now on for those dumb ass days that i step in a mound of them while disc golfing.

-  the sand volleyball league is finally over !  woo hoo!  i get my tuesdays back altogether!  congrats to hot rod’s team both on the win and for bringing that excellent little keg of homebrewed heifenweizen.  that shit was tasty as all get out with the subtle banana flavor.

piece out.

thanks for the great time everybody!

hey there gang.  welcome to the new and improved theYerg.com!  i would appreciate you patience as i get acclimated to this whole word press thing, but i promise i wil persevere to make it a good time for all.  i am really excited to get this thing going and i hope you enjoy the ride with me.

- what a turn out of ping pongedness at dolce vita thursday night?! it was kind of quiet of a while and looking like a four person bracket was going to be developed. but then the flood gates opened and the bracket of 16 was filled in no time.

here is a rule for you: if an acquaintance says he would love to play a sport with you, for this example we will use ping pong, because he hasn’t played in “awhile.” and if said acquantaince shows up with a ping pong paddle that has a discolored groove worn into the rubber where his finger rests on the butterfly brand paddle that he “found in the underwear drawer.” (seriously, why would you store your ping pong paddle in your underwear drawer unless you were into some kinky shit?) if all these occurences are in line, bet the house on him to win the tournament.

this is exactly what my friend atar did on thursday. he turned “dolce vita ping pong tournament” into “atar’s school of waxing your ass at ping pong.” and he walked away with his semi-finalist hieneken basketball prize and championship amstel light folding chair.

by the way, i got bounced in the first round to a miniature sasquatch. this six-six guy covered the table like a blanket and i was pretty much frustrated into defeat. but that gave me time to concentrate on my drinking. concentration is the key there. if you lose focus of your drinking, the night is all for naught.

thanks to the crew at dolce vita for another great event.

- ummm… big ben’s english pub on providence. shepard’s pie. being a meat and potatoes guy, this is the answer for me from here on out to that damn survey question, “if you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?”

great catching up with AD and the rickabaugh’s too. you just can’t beat “southern silk” singing “sara smiles.” hall and oates never sounded so good.

- i gots me a new camera this weekend. its the shit! the fuji finepix V10. it fits in my pocket. the entire back of it, pretty much, is the screen for viewing. movies with sound. the whole schmegega. it even has four video games on the damn thing for when taking pictures of your friends no longer amuses you.

- i am particularly fond of kettle cooked potato chips. i don’t worry about the fat or calories or whatever the hell it is you health nuts say make them bad for me. the damage they do to me however has more of felt impact. i hate it when you chew a potato chip the wrong way and cut you mouth some how. either the roof or a gum or something. a sharp chip in the mouth should be classified by the pentagon as a deadly weapon. man that shit hurts.

- saturday was amazing. it was the first time in a while that i woke up early, giddy, with anticipation of what the day was going to bring. how i reached the ripe old age of 30 without ever riding in a limousine? no clue. but we remedied that situation as a group of friends and i rolled on up to the yadkin county vineyards in style. we took off around eleven and i think the first bottle of vino was cracked before we got to the first stop sign. i am not sure just how many bottles followed suit.

i can’t remember the names of the three vineyards that we went to, so don’t ask. it might be one the glasses that i think i procured at each stop. not sure. the first one had their tasting room set up in their basement/garage. i just remember a pungent white called three dog night (kids, that was a band. ask your parents.) that smelled of three wet dogs. but they had some nice sweet wines that they said would mix nicely into a martini. k.

the second was a little nicer. i liked the tasting a lot better at this one. laurel grey i think was the vineyard. [yerg is grey spelled backwards, so i tend to remember things with the word grey in it. earl grey tea, grey goose vodka, zane grey (i just know he was an autor, don’t ask me what he wrote), etc.] we busted out the coolers and ate lunch there.

the third was my favorite. i just remember the owner taking us through the tasting in his blue jump suit. fantabulous! and the wine made enough of an impact on my drunken palate to allow me to buy four bottles there.

thanks to scott, melissa, and the rest of the crew that set it up. good times.

- the rough thing about drinking from 11am to 6pm? the 10pm setting in of a hangover. ouch. old guy can’t hang.

- i am a sucker for the marketting ploy that is fiji water. the square bottle is cool. pretty flower on the label. the label says that it is natural artesian water. do you know what an artesian well is? it collects the rain water for later use. so what makes rain water from fiji so marketable? a square bottle, i guess. one that won’t fit into the cupholders in any vehicle. “this shit is so good, it won’t fit in your cupholder! drink it fancy pants!”

- yesterday was a beautiful day out on lake norman. ike, thanks again for the nautical hospitality. we started earlier yesterday in order to maximize our time on the water. (for those of you keeping score at home that is “weekend days available to sleep in,” 2, “days theYerg slept in” 0)

a gorgeous day includes plenty of sunshine. that means we have to take care of our skin. or at least the portions of our skin that we have spent a little bit of coin decorating. spf 50. my first request from the girl on board was just on the ink. around mid afternoon though, a fair amount of pink was starting to surround the whiteness bordering my tattoos. so a second request to coat my entire back was made. i did my front since that would have been asking a lot from soneone that i had practically just met. what did i forget? the ears. i would have ice on them right now if it was within the social norms of proper office behavior.

it was a good day on the lake though. minus watching everone else get drunk, constantly having to convince j-rod that a bruised rib isn’t going to feel good bouncing around on a kneeboard, the “docking procedures” at vinnie’s, and the getting lost in the dark on the way back to the marina, it was a beautiful day.

- so far, 2-1 with a chance to pull out the loss tonight in fantasy football and 11-4 on office pool picks. good football week in the fantasy type world. for those of you wanting to talk about carolina’s super bowl chances, seek help.

- hope you all had a good weekend as well.

piece out.