so i was talking with C last night about dating.  seriously, what else do her and i talk about?  but we both agreed that there is a stupid fucking comment that committed (applicable both because they are both in a committed relationship and probably insane.) people continue to offer up as advice for the single folk.

“you will find some one when you stop looking.”  or the closely akin, “it will happen when you least expect it.”

okay, seriously.  i will find someone when i stop looking for them.  are you kidding me?  i am a guy.  i am always going to be looking at women.  and if i am looking at the women, and i am single, i am probably going to entertain (be it ever so briefly) their possibility of being the one that i am looking for.

right, stop looking.  maybe when i go blind.  which of course, if i stay single and have to continue the “self serve” function, could be sooner than later.

okay, now for the happening when i least expect it.  guys, unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it, watch entirely too much porn.  and if your man says he doesn’t, he does.  or he really wants to but he knows he will get in trouble if he does.  and in most porn, things happen in the weirdest of times.  the delivery person, the secretary, the teacher, whatever.  all times when you least expect it.  so a man’s brain is conditioned to expect it at any given moment.  that is why you have teenagers carrying around condoms in their wallet “just in case.”

now, i know that mainly pertains to sex.  and that love is a whole other entity.  but if love is going to happen when i least expect it, she is going to have to either be breaking into my house in the middle of the night and i by chance don’t shoot her.  or maybe be a hot chick on the bomb squad when someone inevitably rigs my toilet to explode like they did to danny glover in the second lethal weapon flick.  or maybe some woman that plows into me unexpectedly in traffic that can withstand the verbal berating that i dole out for her.  or maybe the girl that is standing in front of me at the supermarket and doesn’t mind the fact that the contents of my shopping cart making me look like i am feeding an eight year old.  wait, i have already thought about that, so i would expect it.

bottom line, please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t use either of these cliche bullshit answers to try and give me hope or whatever it is you think you are doing, in referece to my singlehood.  you are just making me not want to be in a relationship for fear of how stupid it is going to make me.