in this day and age, we are a very distrusting society. almost to the point of paranoia if you ask me. i always lock the doors to the house. i mean, if i am even out in my front or backyard mowing (those of you that have visited la casa delYerg know this doesn’t happen frequently) i lock the front door. i shred all my mail. even the junk mail. alright, maybe not the stuff that just says resident, but i know that a crafty thief might even be able to extract personal information from me there. i don’t leave the MINI unlocked or the windows down if i know i am going to be away from it for more than 30 seconds. very distrusting.
yet every time i am at a grocery store, fast food restaurant, or wherever, i trust that the person working the register gave me the correct change. i never question it. i mean, i check the bills, but never the change. and not to insult the intelligence of those diligent workers at such establishments, but they are necessarily places where someone is checking their qualifications. you don’t usually submit a resume at mickey d’s. for the most part, the basic math competency is just assumed.
this scares me a little. have you seen the recent scholastic aptitude numbers in the united states? we aren’t exactly burning up the charts, if you know what i mean. and those that produced those numbers are more than likely the ones kicking back your change from your number four with cheese. handling your money. i think i might start taking a gander before i just shovel those coins into my pocket. just a thought.

… the bottle schploded in the back seat.
the temperature in the CLT was about 98 degrees today. and not the kind with the lachey brothers either. that made the real feel temperature about 104 degrees. you can only imagine what that would make the temperature inside of a vehicle. the type of temperatures where you defiitely don’t want to leave a baby or a dog or a elderly person in the car.
so…
friday night i played poker with a few friends. not wanting to go crazy out of my way, i stopped for a twelve of the COB at the local convenience store. the same store that a 10 year old threatened to knife my boy, pooky, for looking at him funny a year or so ago. i had never been in there in the over two years that i have been living here, so this was a little of an adventure for me. it had all the things a growing boy looks for in a store that has the bulletproof glass with a four inch tray to slide the cash under. your lottery tickets. your pork rinds. your malt liquors.
in that, something caught my eye…
mad dog 20/20 banana red. oh, the banana red. it harkened me to the days in college. dump out about half of a two liter bottle of 7up and then fill it with a bottle of the MD twenty twen twen banana red for my own version of a ghetto wine spritzer… a wino spritzer if you will?
all nostalgic, i threw down the three fifty for that majestic square wine bottle. they gave me the mandatory paper bag to put it in and i mozied on over to rome’s to play some poker, leaving my ghetto goodness in the pocket on the back of my seat.
fast forward to today…
APPARENTLY, there are storage temperature restrictions to mad dog… that is right. when i got to my car the after work today and hit that magic little button to roll down the windows and open the sunroof, there was this interesting aroma. ah, the smell of warm banana red. if only the geniuses that make those little pine tree air freshners could make them in banana red mad dog 20/20. luckily for me, the interior of the MINI was saved by the absorption capacity of my favorite beer logo jacket. motherbitchshit.
lesson learned: ghetto drinks will hurt you, one way or another.

okay, i am not sure what kind of market is out there, but i am willing to start entertaining offers for the first photographic evidence of theYerg’s first born. i am not going to be like one of you silly saps that just simply posts the pictures on my myspace or facebook page so that people can comment on how adorable it is or how happy you are for me and the future missus. not this guy. i am following in the footsteps of all my fellow celebrities (by the time my first spawn hits the world, my star should be on the walk of fame in front of the chinese theater. okay, maybe just in front of a chinese restaurant…).
but i figure with inflation and whatnot, i will easily be able to dwarf the $20 million dollars that brangelina is getting for their twins. wait, for $20 million, are they actually selling the kids or just pictures of them? i mean come on people. i know these people are famous, but they are still just baby pictures!
you cannot tell me that all babies don’t look alike. okay, race aside, all babies look alike. and don’t give me that whole “it has your eyes and her nose” crap. not straight out of the womb. hell, you have to dress them in a certain color clothes just to be able to tell what sex the kid is! heaven forbid you dress the kid in yellow or something and make people guess.
and don’t even get me started on the naming issue. knox and vivenne? sure, that is fine with me. name the kid toejam for all i care. just don’t inundate my yahoo homepage with articles by baby naming experts. first of all, are you kidding me? nowhere do i remember my guidance counselor asking me if i had a pension for naming people. i would have jumped at the chance to go to college to name people’s kids! be at a party when some chick asks me my major… “baby naming. that is right, i am going to pull down the big bucks when i graduate.” i have been a master at giving people nicknames, i would kill to get in on the ground level of someone’s life for a chance to give them the one for life. baby naming expert… get a clue.
secondly, don’t sit there and tell me that the kids’ life is going to turn out a certain way just because of their name. people, these two average $20 million a picture. the kids aren’t going to have any problems. if they are smart, neither will their kids’ kids.
i am still amazed though that some magazine is willing to pay that much for pictures of babies. that means that some of you absolutely insane freaking people out there are willing to shell out the coin for this magazine just to see the baby pictures. why? i mean, are you ever going to meet that kid? are you going to walk up to him ten years from now and say, “oh, i still have your baby pictures from when you were in people magazine. we are so proud of the way you turned out.” maybe frame the picture with captions and all and frame it on your mantle? do i think brad is a good entertainer and that angelina is hot? yes. do i feel the need to hawk over their every move and worship at the tabloid alter? hells no. get a life people.

cruefest 2008. my god, just saying that gives me goose bumps. or maybe chills is a more accurate description of the feeling i get. either way, a crew of our own went out to verizon wireless this past weekend to see what the crue had to offer.
as we pulled into the parking lot, a young lady (i am going to try to be as polite as possible) walked past us with knee high boots, a black skirt that appeared to be made out of an ace bandage it was so short, and a black tank top that barely contained her.. ummm… brains. the WOOOO! that she got from passersby might have made it worth all the money the four guys she was walking with may or may not have dropped for her company.
as we filtered into the amphitheater, we all felt over dressed. not clothes that were too nice, but the fact that we still kept ours on. SOOO many different application of the rebel flag. whether it be a silhouette of an eagle tattoo or a bikini top, it was the most popular accessory of the evening. and then there were the skimpy pleather outfits that most women had absolutely NO business wearing whatsoever.
the mullets… oh the mullets. my favorite was the guy who was holding on so tight. he had his business section buzzed ever so evenly as if done with an electric turkey knife. and then the party section was some of the most beautifully permed locks you have ever seen on a man. but the whole thing was truly party since it was bleached blond… ahhhhh….
the people watching left you with a real sense of self. i mean, after hanging in that crowd for the evening, i honestly thought i might have a shot at curing cancer with the ingredients that i might find in my kitchen if just given a day or two to research some oncology. i am really happy with my contribution to society.
but i digress…
they played music there! pretty good music actually. we unfortunately missed sixx AM and trapt, but walked in right during the middle of papa roach’s set. it wasn’t bad. it had all the kids bobbing their heads in rhythm. just MAY have been a tad bit disturbing seeing a father son duo in the crowd singing buckcherry’s crazy bitch to each other. the kid must have on been about eleven…
then there was motley crue…
while they are not the most geriatric band still on the road these days, these guys are no longer spring chickens. hell, people were curious as to how mick mars was going to stand let alone play. and i will admit that i wasn’t the biggest crue fan back in the day. i went to the concert more or less on a whim. but these guys freaking rocked!
from start to finish, it was an awesome show. first headliner in a long time where i wasn’t chomping at the bit to get out the door to beat the traffic. as far as visuals, they went old school and new school. lots of pyrotechnics. and the big screens were flashing crazy shit. the collage of porn mixed with clips of GW bush was insane. almost surreal.
also surreal, the guy that was taking up a stall in the men’s room with his surprisingly attractive girl. on that list of things to do before you die, that guy can check off, oral sex from a hot chick in a bathroom were most people are hitting the urinals and at least forty guys know it is happening. and i can check off going to another kickass rock show…