- if they really want to improve the literacy rate and math skills of today’s youth, i really think we should petition chef boyardee the expand ABC’s and 123’s with meatball to include the other numbers and letters. i mean, if you can do a pterodactyl out of pasta, why not the rest of the alphabet. i know i would enjoy the dining experience more that way. by the way, there is nothing worse than a stegosaurus tomato stain on your shirt.

- i really have to get my shit in gear and make a difference in this world. i know i am doing my part with Beards BeCAUSE and such, but i need to do something momentus quick so that they can start getting the movie about my life into production. you see, i am going to put it in my will that when that project gets the greenlight, that there is at least one song by kenny loggins on the soundtrack. i mean, caddyshack, top gun, footloose, and over the top wouldn’t have been half the movies that they were if it weren’t for the musical stylings of kenny loggins. i really did want to meet him halfway across the sky when i was arm wrestling…

- the other day, someone brought up snow skiing and asked if i never went. it was at this time that i realized that i have never published my “i don’t strap shit to my feet” policy. see, i don’t strap shit to my feet. i have enough coordination issues with shoes, let alone tying either sticks or something with wheels to these bad boys. i was the kid that needed the wall to stop and make turns at all those rollerskating parties at the castle back in the day. and i was the kid riding down the hill sitting on his skateboard. and i am the guy that will ingest forty gallons of lake if you try and pull me behind a boat at a high rate of speed. oh, and the fact that i don’t have to deal with snow after moving south is a bonus. so having sticks that cost more than a car payments strapped to my feet in order to propel me down a hill with the potential of wrapping my skinny ass around a tree is not in the cards either. shoes. that is the extent of my pedi-adventure…

- what happened to the days when you cell phone was a solace from telemarketers and jackass phone calls? with the election going on, i have gotten at least a dozen phone calls from the republicans and the democrats on almost every level of government. its bad enough that i have to constantly watch those stupid ass commercials, but now they are eating up my anytime minutes as well? hell no. i even tried hanging up and calling the number back to get a live person to yell at. no dice. if you are going to have an automated system call people, there should be a call back law. i should be able to call you back and yell at you for interrupting my peace of mind.

just another friendly traffic reminder from us here at theYerg.com…
if you are traveling down a multi-lane one way street and move over to the far left lane of the three lane street (the left hand turn lane) and then you come to a red light where another multi-lane one way street is traveling from right to left, YOU CAN TURN LEFT ON RED!!!! and yes, i double checked with sgt. yerg of the baltimore police department…
every morning i drive up 12th street which is a one way street and then turn left onto church street which is another one way street. and if i am not the first person in line for that light, i have to endure the idiocy of those who are unaware of traffic laws. on occasion i might give the person in front of me a friendly toot. just sort of nudge them along. at the same time i honk, i usually lip the words “you CAN turn on red.” some people welcome my advice and proceed through the intersection. while others get in their little tizzy and decide that they want to berate me for trying to educate them on the intersection protocol.
here is the part that really burns my ass. church street that i am turning onto? has perfectly timed lights so that you can make it the whole way across town if you get the first green. now, here is the test for the geniuses that sit in front of me refusing to turn left: guess which light the green light domino effect starts from? 12th STREET!
so as soon as that light you have been waiting for to turn green allows you (in your mind) to turn left, the light you are coming upon on church street 100 yards away turns red. this allows me to scowl at you through your passenger window knowing that if you just understood the traffic laws then we could be to the other side of town by now.
oh, and to the lady yesterday that was applying ample amounts of make up at BOTH lights since you were unable to make that left turn and was frustrated that interrupted her mascara application with my friendly toot, two big middle fingers in the air! none of that make up was going to help you…

“…come sail away, come sail away with me!”
in 1492, columbus sailed the ocean blue and i would like to think that he might have had that styx song playing on his ipod on the main deck of la pinta (or la nina or santa maria).
in 2008, i got to watch furry little college kids protest the fact that christopher columbus was a slave trader as well as being responsible for genocide in order to find his “new world”. the part of this protest that i found particularly amusing was that even with the economic goings on and whatnot, charlotte is still a banking town. that means the population of business uptown charlotte was drastically reduced today because all the bank folks had off work. if a college cause head protests in an empty uptown square does he make a sound?
i don’t know about you, but when i was in college, if i got a monday off with 80 degree sunny weather, i was drinking some beers and playing some horseshoes. not that i don’t think that opening a history book doesn’t lead me to agree that columbus day is sort of an antiquated holiday. i do. it just kind of makes me chuckle inside a little that in four years or so, after a haircut and the procurement of some khakis and a blue oxford shirt, most of those kids will be off again on this holiday because they will be working for the same banks that their message totally missed today…

the other week i was taking a quiz on mentalfloss.com where you had to put classic thursday night lineups of tv shows in order depending on the year and such. so, it got me to thinking about those great shows in the late 80s and early 90s. the years of the sitcoms. your family ties, cosby show, night court, cheers, seinfeld, wings, different world, etc. great writing supported decent acting.
then the other night i watched the monday night lineup that i usually enjoy. big bang, how i met your mother, maybe two and a half men. i was NOT impressed. you want to know what i think the biggest change is? writers that use the bleep.
i mean seriously, since nipple gate back in the super bowl halftime show a few years back, television has embraced the censorship. they have learned to use it as a crutch. get in a pickle in a frustrating situation and want to express some anger? a bleeping tirade will work. the creativity is gone. there is nothing implied or hinted at or subtly done. throw a bleep at it. the bleep has ruined intellectual aspects of sitcom writing.
and as usual, we are doing this all for the kids. we have to protect those young, fragile, impressionable minds from vulgarity. if you have been around kids lately though, those kids are NOT walking around making bleep sounds. they know what is behind the bleep. the little punks are cussing up a storm anyway. damn whippersnappers. they can’t appreciate a pre-bleep society. when the censorship didn’t have to be enforced. when society was smart enough that they didn’t need everything spelled out for them with a bleep. bleep that bleep…

as lazyness and douchebaggery seem to continue to be epidemics in this country, the epitome of this trend can be found in those assclowns that are riding segways. can there seriously be a bigger waste of money? for about five thousand american dollars (increasing as the value of the buck declines) you too can be a douchebag!
now, i can understand if you have a job where you are walking all day. the police uptown that ride a pretty badass version with knobby tires and a little bit more of a suspension uptown all the time? totally understandable. “walking a beat” is easier when you get to stand there and move. and they are protecting and serving. yes, they could just as easily (and probably cheaper) be bicycle cops, but whatever. i think i actually saw one of those policeman pull over a car the other day. that had to be a bummer for the driver that got busted by a segway cop.
but this morning while i was WALKING across the street from getting my iced pumpkin muffin (pumpkin flavored treats are one of my favorite things about the fall.), there was a putz in full suit with briefcase riding his segway up the sidewalk and into my building. he then stopped outside the center elevator well, waited, and then rode it onto the elevator, thankfully disappearing from my sight before i lost my appetite.
how freaking lazy do you really need to be? maybe he has some degenerative leg disorder that restricts him from walking great distances (three city blocks?). i don’t know. more than likely not. hopefully he lives uptown. could you imagine the level of douchebaggery that man exudes if the most he exerted himself every day was wrestling his segway out of his oversized SUV that he drives to work by himself every day and then standing on it for a few blocks to the office? wow. personally, as a matter of principle, i would have to find someone that would knuckle punch me in the taint every five to ten minutes to remind me that i was inflicting myself on society and that i should be punished if i were that guy.
nevermind the fact that its a two wheeled motorized vehicle. if you want to be that big of a lazy ass, i say make them pass a test, register the vehicle, and force them to dodge regular street traffic. i mean, bicyclists are supposed to be on the street. put the segways there too. it gives us a chance to weed out a few of them with all the bad drivers out there.
i told b-hill, it would be funny to beat the guy up and steal his segway. just because you know the lazy SOB wouldn’t chase you. and if he did, i would go just fast enough to make him run. and i would find out where his car is parked and do it to him every morning until he got my point. WALK!