- if they really want to improve the literacy rate and math skills of today’s youth, i really think we should petition chef boyardee the expand ABC’s and 123’s with meatball to include the other numbers and letters. i mean, if you can do a pterodactyl out of pasta, why not the rest of the alphabet. i know i would enjoy the dining experience more that way. by the way, there is nothing worse than a stegosaurus tomato stain on your shirt.

- i really have to get my shit in gear and make a difference in this world. i know i am doing my part with Beards BeCAUSE and such, but i need to do something momentus quick so that they can start getting the movie about my life into production. you see, i am going to put it in my will that when that project gets the greenlight, that there is at least one song by kenny loggins on the soundtrack. i mean, caddyshack, top gun, footloose, and over the top wouldn’t have been half the movies that they were if it weren’t for the musical stylings of kenny loggins. i really did want to meet him halfway across the sky when i was arm wrestling…

- the other day, someone brought up snow skiing and asked if i never went. it was at this time that i realized that i have never published my “i don’t strap shit to my feet” policy. see, i don’t strap shit to my feet. i have enough coordination issues with shoes, let alone tying either sticks or something with wheels to these bad boys. i was the kid that needed the wall to stop and make turns at all those rollerskating parties at the castle back in the day. and i was the kid riding down the hill sitting on his skateboard. and i am the guy that will ingest forty gallons of lake if you try and pull me behind a boat at a high rate of speed. oh, and the fact that i don’t have to deal with snow after moving south is a bonus. so having sticks that cost more than a car payments strapped to my feet in order to propel me down a hill with the potential of wrapping my skinny ass around a tree is not in the cards either. shoes. that is the extent of my pedi-adventure…

- what happened to the days when you cell phone was a solace from telemarketers and jackass phone calls? with the election going on, i have gotten at least a dozen phone calls from the republicans and the democrats on almost every level of government. its bad enough that i have to constantly watch those stupid ass commercials, but now they are eating up my anytime minutes as well? hell no. i even tried hanging up and calling the number back to get a live person to yell at. no dice. if you are going to have an automated system call people, there should be a call back law. i should be able to call you back and yell at you for interrupting my peace of mind.